The text aren't proofread yet but here the email peoples (who use crowdtilt) will received from us today: Email via MailChimp Forms for the Gift Card Early next week they will received an email from Crowdtilt with the title "A refunds has been issues to your account" and the body will simply invite them to choose their refunds option at a secure link on Crowdtilt server. That email is manage and sent by Crowdtilt. Any advice before we sent the email is more then welcome.
Very nice to see you included the reinvest option! As for the proofreading, I had some time to spare, so thought I might as well give it a shot. Just in case I missed something, I've added both segments in quotes below.
Yes... But now I have mix feeling on the whole process. (as you can see in http://forums.blackwatchmen.com/index.php?threads/crowdtilt-issues.15/#post-194)
It's fine to have mixed feelings; means you're treating the issue with the proper mental acuity. If you do end up with the gift card options; the Red Cross and PARG is a great addition. If you don't end up with the gift card options; the fact that you included the Red Cross and PARG re-investment in your solution options is still a great addition (of your thought process).
One more thing, let me correct the dropdown menu: Otherwise looks good, just take Santiak's corrections and this dropdown list. These 4 options look good, the Red Cross is a welcome addition! And, as I said before, I think its a good idea to keep it at $5 per person.
I don't know that this email is necessarily the best approach to take, but I've got important things that I'm trying to avoid doing, so I'll add on my edits and baseless opinions anyhow (yay! crowdsourced proofreading!) - It could use a lead-in to the first paragraph explaining the delay - that, yes, there has been a delay in Crowdtilt issuing refunds on some pledges (and possibly also the fact that, due to a bug in the system, their cards were improperly charged to begin with - unless I misinterpreted Crowdtilt's setup, the charges were never meant to be put through unless the campaign succeeded). The rest is just pedantic semantics: - The "start issuing... starting" repetition is awkward - I'd go with "start issuing...beginning" or "begin issuing... starting". - "As a small token of gratitude for your patience, we would like to offer a $5 gift card to anyone who had to wait on their Crowdtilt refund" reads a little more easily, and emphasizes the "look! free money!" aspect over the "you have to wait". - "and soon we'll be starting a campaign on Kickstarter!" - Soon! Like, real soon! Like, don't-even-thing-of-putting-that-refund-toward-something-else soon! - (typo) "form"->from - "process the full refund to your account" is a bit unwieldy. "...process your full refund" might be better. It might also be more accurate/honest, as I got the impression (although I can't seem to find the post with the details... irc, maybe?) that there were a variety of different refund options, not all of which were quite so direct as dropping the refund in an account. - maybe "Despite this part of the process being out of our control" or "While this part of the process was beyond our control"? - (just me being picky) I don't like "attempting" here - too much emphasis on "we didn't make it". "...your support in working to make..." puts a more positive & hopeful spin on it (even if most people didn't technically work to do anything) - (typo) Informations->Information - Pluralize to "Only valid emails will..." or "Only valid email addresses will..." -Bats
Cheers, always better results with more eyes. I agree with most of your corrections - and as for the parts where you leave the option open; I'd definately go with "While this part of the process was beyond our control", seeing as it was the Crowdtilt issue that was beyond HEs control, and not this current process being out of their hands. As for "support in attempting to make The Black Watchmen a reality", what about "support towards making The Black Watchmen a reality"?, as I personally feel that "support in working to make" gets a little.. heavy? And aye, good catch with the email - I had a correction that kept evading my grasp, so I reckon when I gave up on recalling what I wanted to say, I forgot about that bit as well :S Think I was trying to say.. "Only valid emails qualify for this Gift Card"? Oh well. ^^
I will say, I like the Red Cross touch, but disagree with the Steam and Amazon gift cards (as I stated in the other thread). Also, I don't know about Canadian taxes, but if it was a US company, then at least the Red Cross donations would be tax deductible.... I sound like a very bad person in that paragraph, and I apologize (but not really)...
We will let crowdtilt send their refunds first then we will see if we proceed with the 3000$ gift card. I'll keep you updated. Thank you for your feedback and your help!
Oooo... a $3000 gift card? I'll take one of those! Actually, send me a few... James Bond Experience, here I come! -Bats
